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About Deviant Member Aka No Kagura26/Female/United States Group :iconshinsengumidojo: ShinsengumiDojo
Icon done by: Miyukiko
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I have the heart of a phoenix...

It burns within my chest...

It's always a flame...

Passion, rage, and torment burn to keep it alight...

The pain never truly goes away...

I wish I could die...

Not in regards to the physical world..

But at least within my moods...

To feel this heart stop beating and be covered in ice...

Cold, frozen, numb, untouched by the pain that torments me...

But that would be impossible.. I laugh... it would be like hell frozen over!

Each time I end myself in fire...

Engulfed in the heat of the moment.. in flames I erupt overwhelmed...

I burn so hot.. I fear they will hurt or consume everyone around me...

For a brief, but fleeting moment the flames cease and I am ash..

Lost in limbo I reside...

It is comforting there... cool and quiet there... in shades of white and shadows grey...

A voice beckons me... "it is time to go back"...

Noo! I cry.. and wake as if from sleeping dream...

I am reborn a new and vulnerable...

Tender as a newborn babe.. my wings don't even have feathers yet...

I wish that I could fly away..

To leave the things that that hurt me...

But I know I will die again before these wings can fly...

Yet I take comfort in knowing each time..

At least I can trust again..

At least I can love again...

At least I can forgive...

My hope and wonder still reside..

And I can see the world through the eyes of a child.
A phoenix heart...
I never asked to have immortality/rebirth (emotionally speaking) sometimes I think I'd be better without it. I feel like no matter how bad people hurt me I always come back, to the point where it's not natural anymore! No human being should be completely without any natural defense mechanisms or coping mechanisms against emotional pain and constantly "reset" before they can emotionally mature! I shouldn't be so hopeful and optimistic, so child-like and trusting, so instantly forgiving and so infallibly able to pick myself up and move on.. Emotionally speaking what I endure from the words of my mother and future mother-in-law and come back from unscathed would be like this: www.youtube.com/watch?v=80JRY-… if it were physical wounding... I should be emotionally dead as a doornail and not be able to feel anything... and I times I wish I was.. this is like a curse of "undeath"! In some ways I relate to this song: www.youtube.com/watch?v=uCdEuM… Where is my weakness? I'm tired of being a freakish emotional anomaly... I'd like to be capable of breaking and just staying broken (at least for a while) so I could rest in peace. Incidentally I actually often feel a burning heat like flames inside my chest especially if I attempt to open my heart chakra through meditation :meditate: or if I'm sad or angry.

Surprisingly I've never tried to commit actual suicide. I have too much hope and curiosity, too many "what ifs": like what if things work out better in the end, what if things change, what if tomorrow is a better day and a joyful and successful life is just around the corner, what if it really can only go up from here, what if today's misery isn't a "no" but yet another "not yet"? It seems my patience never runs out in waiting for my life to improve.. It's like I really do have eternity and the worst case scenario is that if I'm wrong some day I will physically die poor and possibly alone, but still hopeful and then wake up in heaven. I dream as if I'll live forever, because at this rate perhaps I will...

PS

I made the picture in photoshop.
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I walk into the grass; all goes black and then green…

I stand alone at the crossroads to oblivion…

Between reality and unreality…

Between the living and the dead…

Wouldn’t you like to dream forever? Asked a voice.

I turned I turned and there was no one there.

(the voice was inside my head)

Reality is an illusion and life is folly…

And sanity is a burden… he spoke to me

Madness is a bitter mercy, but a mercy none the less… I quoted Sheogorath with a smirk.

You can never live the normal you were meant to have… and without the pleasures you deserve, then what’s the point of living? He asked me.

I’ve never had a life before, why should I care now? I uncaringly replied.

Why is it fair that others have a life while you be denied? He asked.

I shrugged.

Come and join me! You could have every friend who ever left you… he offered.

But they’re not dead. I said factually…

You don’t know that… and besides, we can create your own personal heaven where we can make copies of them who are kinder and more caring then the originals! He suggested gleefully.

They never cared about me in life... I said dryly, why care now?

And every pet you’ve ever had… they say there’s no animals in heaven.. oh but they’re wrong! You can see all of them again! He added.

I kicked dirt and looked at my toes uninterestedly.

Come with me my dear… they’re waiting for you. He beckoned…
Let them wait.. they can wait 60 years or a thousand years for all I care! I replied coldly.

You would live for a thousand years in misery? He asked in disbelief.

I’ve become somewhat addicted to it. I replied. Heck, I could live forever if my one true love is by my side.

What’s so great about him? He asked, scoffing at love.

You know he’ll never amount to anything… he said coyly…You’ll probably die poor without a penny to your name… you might as well give up now. He whispered.

You can’t know that… we could strike it rich! I said smugly.

What if you don’t? He asked inquisitively.

Then I’ll dream that I’m successful, pretend I’m eating cake as I’m eating my own shoes in the street... and pretend that a bus stop is my mansion. I said with an intoxicated looking grin.

Why don’t you dream forever? He whispered coldly.

Would you rather dream and never wake, or wake and never dream? He inquired.

To sleep, perchance to dream. I said, quoting Shakespeare.

Then come join me to sleep and dream forever, he beckoned me.

Why, when I can dream when I’m awake? I asked.

You dream, even in your waking hours? He asked in disbelief.

Yes, actually I’m dreaming now.  I chortled. None of this is real!

Don’t laugh! I offer you an escape from all reality, a portal to infinite wonders unknown! Come and join me… come and join me… he pleaded trying to retain his composure.

Life, reality, perfection, normality, joy! Everything is a figment of my imagination. Even death and misery is an illusion! I laughed clutching my ribs. I could live forever and feel however I want to feel! I said rolling on the ground laughing.

Death sighed and walked away.
Not quite suicidal...
Inspired by the Lavender Town Pokemon Myth kotaku.com/pokemons-creepy-lav…, with some minor influences from the Elderscrolls games mainly Sheogorath and Vaermina elderscrolls.wikia.com/wiki/Va…, a Black Butler quote by Lao and my own crazy mind that's falling apart. I wrote it after reading the myth and listening to the music clip from Lavender Town in the old Pokemon games. This is generally how I see suicidal death as being in relation to me. I've grown too cynical an apathetic in my losses and yet too optimistic in my delusions to let go of life. This is how I'd respond to voices in my head trying to persuade me to end it all. I'm too mad to off myself.
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Hey everyone. Sorry I've been kind of dead :dead: on here for a while. I started studying Graphic Arts at Independence University Online. Haven't gotten to the actual art yet, started out with "Psychology of Motivation" & now working on "Writing" :work: and "American History" :reading: Woo hoo what fun.. Actually it is kinda fun sometimes, when I'm not struggling to figure out what to write :frustrated: or feeling kind of bored with all the reading :yawn:. I'm getting good grades, but the thought of starting math scares me :fear: cuz I suck at math... but hopefully the tutors they have online will be a big help ^^; Maybe I'll post something on here sometime when I get the chance, can't promise though. 

PS

I got my wisdom teeth out recently, I've been watching the anime "Blue Exorcist" a lot lately, and my birthday is coming up next Friday on July 11th!
  • Mood: Pride
  • Listening to: the ceiling fan
  • Reading: American History
  • Watching: Blue Exorcist
  • Playing: Lunar Dragon Song
  • Eating: a banana
  • Drinking: water

deviantID

Okitakehyate
Aka No Kagura
United States
Current Residence: Who wants to know?
Favourite genre of music: Alternative, Rock, Tecno, J-pop, & anime soundtracks.
Favourite style of art: I like pencil drawing, computer-paint, & photos
Wallpaper of choice: anime
Skin of choice: Pale
Favourite cartoon character: Okita Souji, Ukitake Jyuushiro, Hyatt, Hayate Gekkou, & Ukyo Tachibana
Personal Quote: "Childhood is not from birth to a certain age and at a certain age
The child is grown, and puts away childish things.
Childhood is the kingdom where nobody dies."
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:iconsmogcake:
Smogcake Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Happy b day!
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:iconyukim4ru:
yukim4ru Featured By Owner Jul 11, 2014  Student General Artist
Happy birthday <3
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:iconzane1193:
zane1193 Featured By Owner Jun 20, 2014
Hey! Just stopped by to see how you're doing,hope you and your family are well.
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:iconokitakehyate:
Okitakehyate Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014
We're well, I recently signed up for online collage classes in graphic arts by the way.
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:iconzane1193:
zane1193 Featured By Owner Jun 27, 2014
I'm glad to hear that!

I'm in the process of writing my personal history journals and you are one of the few Liberals I'd trust with my secret,maybe,if I ever get the courage we'll meet.

Hope you and your family are doing well,have a great weekend.
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:iconokitakehyate:
Okitakehyate Featured By Owner Jun 28, 2014
I'm flattered to know that
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(1 Reply)
:iconda-risembool-rangers:
DA-Risembool-Rangers Featured By Owner May 8, 2014
Hello!! Welcome to the Rangers! :iconthe-da-ranger-group: High-five! Hug We're happy ta have ya in the club!! ^___^ Yui Hirasawa (Castanets Dance) [V1]
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:iconyukim4ru:
yukim4ru Featured By Owner Oct 30, 2013  Student General Artist
How are you doing? :D
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:iconokitakehyate:
Okitakehyate Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013
Not too good, lately I've been feeling like :iconukitakeplz: & :iconsoujiplz: not TB though, just bronchitis... still a pretty bad :cough: though I caught it from my fiance.. he's feeling better now, but I'm still :sick:
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:iconyukim4ru:
yukim4ru Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2013  Student General Artist
Awww I hope you feel better soon!
P.S. I miss you!
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